Getting High Off the Hog

Ryan, you are crazy. You're like that Emeril guy, only with some strange mental condition or something. Lemon juice and eggs? 1/3 cup milk instead of 1/2 cup? Ryan - you so crazy. I mean, sausage jello, that sounds... well, kind of good.

See, something strange about me is as follows: I love pork products. Bacon, sausage, ham, Canadian bacon, pork chops; if it had a snout, a curly little tail and oinked, I am totally down with it. We took Sadie to see Charlotte's Web yesterday and I kept getting a little mad at that uppity, yet adorable, little pig. I mean, somebody's got to be bacon! Who cares if you're nice to spiders? What makes Wilbur so special that I can't put a couple of slices of him on my turkey sandwich? Seriously. That movie made no sense.

I often imagine what my life would be like if I had to keep Kosher. Had I been there when Moses was talking to the Flaming Shrubbery and it was telling him that there would be no more ham sandwiches, no more bacon for breakfast, no more [gasp!] sausage dip (mmmmm... sausage dip... oh man, sausage dip!) I would have probably asked for a plague of locusts or something, anything else. Maybe an outbreak of hemorrhoids? A flood? Whatever it takes, just pleasepleaseplease don't take my bacon away. I mean, have you had pulled-pork tacos? They're amazing. "I promise," I would have begged, "We'll be good. No more wandering in the wilderness or golden cows or anything. We'll even cut out the murmuring. Please?" Then I'd try pouting. If that didn't work: tantrum.

Wait. Is this sacrilegious? And if so, how sacrilegious? Am I going to go to the hot place for this? Because I burn really easy. Seriously, you put me in direct contact with the sun and I burst into flames. I am a white person, people. Like, white white. Oh man, I hope I don't go to the hot place.

Anyway, this whole pork issue is most likely why I wasn't born a Hebrew in the time of the Exodus. I probably would have said, "What? No pork in the Promised Land? Naw, you guys go on ahead. I guess I'll stay here. I mean, these pyramids aren't going to finish themselves, right? Right?"

So, anyway, I guess that... doesn't answer your question at all, does it? Hmmm. Do I do anything sneaky? I can't think of anything off of the top of my head. Well, except for the shoplifting that I do like, all of the time. And the income tax evasion. And the stealing of Girl Scout cookies. And that time I rigged the Superbowl. And that whole Lee Harvey Oswald thing. Or the time I hit a Sasquatch and just left it there on the side of the road and drove like heck. I am not going to jail over no Sasquatch.

So, Ryan, my question for you is this: what do you love so much that you just can't live without it? And no mushy stuff like love or air or anything like that. It has to be something sort of stupid. Like pork. Or that blanket you carry everywhere. Or existential dread. Or that autographed picture of Count Cool Rider you have hidden in your closet behind all your clothes that you wink at every now and then.

Anyway, I look forward to your response. Also, this:

"Ryan, It was great being in Geometry class with you. Pythagoras rules! Stay cool. Have a great summer. K.I.T. B.F.F. Your pal - C.C.R."