Easing the Swelling in the Brainal Canal

Ryan, you should really have a doctor look at that blockage. It ain't healthy. I'm sure there's a creme or ointment that you can rub on your brainal canal to help ease the swelling and help that flowage get back to normal. Have you tried Funnymucil™? It tastes like chalky black licorice pork rind pickle juice hash browns old rubber bands elmer's glue, but I've heard from some pretty reliable sources (among them a certain former writer on Saved By the Bell, no less. A certain Gregory Miller. Yeah, I name-drop. So what?) that it will keep the funny a-flowin'. And that guy should know. He wrote that episode where Zack, trying to make money for the dance, sells Screech's zit creme but it really makes everybody's faces turn red - just before the dance! Ha! Man, how do they come up with that stuff?! Oh man, I am so laughing! If only there was an internet shorthand for this, like Laughs-Out-Loud (LOL? That looks retarded. Who would type that?) or something, then I wouldn't have to explain in such detail the nature of my laughing over how funny that episode of Saved By the Bell is/was! Ho ho! Hee Hee! I just peed a little!

Personally, I think writer's block is a myth, not unlike the Loch Ness monster (not, I repeat not Bigfoot - dude is for reals!) or the rumor that Paul from the Wonder Years was really Marilyn Manson (geez, where'd that guy disappear to? Marilyn Manson, that is. Did the Dumb Police finally track him down? Let's hope so. If not, why are we paying taxes? I mean, besides to pay for that giant super-laser-firing satellite to stop the Martians when they finally get up the stones to attack. Do you hear me, Martians?! We're ready for you and your hordes! Bring it, my red friends! Bring it! Let us bathe the stars in blood!).

I mean, do you think George Washington got writer's block before he wrote the "Gettysburg Address"? No. Did Angus Young, Malcolm Young or Brian Johnson (Seriously, it took three people to write that song? Hmmmm.) get writer's block before writing "Back In Black"? Aw, hecks naw. Did Shakespeare get writer's block before he wrote the script for Bio-Dome starring Pauley Shore and the blond Baldwin? No. He sat down at his time-travel typewriter and wrote it, knowing that the finished product would arrive safely in the year 1996 and be made into a movie with immense social and comedic impact. I mean, that's some Sword of Damocles to have hanging over your head, there, but did Billy Shakespizzy shirk? No. He wrote the heck out of that movie.

So there you have it... errr, types something inspirational. THE END. Cue the credits, turn up the house lights, get the kid in the vest in here to sweep up all this popcorn. I've got some Valentines candy to steal from my daughter. Peace in the Middle you-know-where.

P.S.: Ryan, your basement is cold. Watch out for Wampas. They will smack you across the head and fasten you to the ceiling for eating laters. You'll have to summon the power of the Force to get your lightsaber out of the snow and then chop its arm the heck off and then run like the dickens only to hallucinate, pass out and then get shoved into a tauntaun carcass to be kept warm. I'm just sayin': be careful. Those tauntauns are some smelly beasts. I've been told they smell worse on the inside than they do on the outside.