R-diggity, you are an astute questioner. Have you thought about a career as a question-asking person? Like the kind that could be employed by a magazine or newspaper to ask really good questions to people who would then answer said astute questionings and then have those questions printed in aforementioned newspaper/magazine? Someone who reported the answers of these questions to the populace at large? That would be a good job. Someone should make that job up. You could call it something like Astute Inquisitor. Or Imminent Answer Ascriber. Or Reporter, but that sounds kind of boring. Where did my pants go?
Anyway, this question, the one concerning the true identity of the mysterious Tabo, is one that has haunted me like, well, like the actual ghost of Abraham Lincoln that really does haunt me fortnightly (now you know why I always smell like garlic... keeps the Abe away). See, I am a truth-seeker. And a creative thinker. Where most people get truth from books or this cool little site I just discovered - Wikipedia, I think it's called - I... well, I make it up. So, brace yourself, dear internet, for the truly true and altogether honest and veritable story of... the origin of the tale of the mystery of the shadow-shrouded enigma known only as... TABO!
The legend starts off in Tibet, where all legends begin. It's said that the Tabo was a traveller who had angered a monk (something over who was a better Enterprise captain: Picard or Kirk... the tabo said Picard... whatever) and was cursed to roam the earth for millennia. Or three years. The translations are a bit muddied. In any case, the Tabo was cursed and began its wanderings as an outcast and a vagabond, popping up in legends in places as diverse as Thailand and the indigenous peoples of New Guinea.
While the substance of these legends vary, one thing is constant, the Tabo is always portrayed as a blurry, watercolored being with a taste for corn chips and a pretty decent bowling score. The Native American peoples refer to the Tabo as "Dances With Sasquatch," mainly because, well, the Tabo was spotted numerous times dancing with a She-Squatch. Apparently the Tabo is well-versed in ballroom, jazz, tap and "krunking." Here's a picture of the Tabo loping slowly through the Northwestern wilderness with its buddy, Chewbacca:
See him there, in the upper right-hand corner? If you relax your eyes you kind of can make him out. There's also a Magic Eye-style picture of a sailboat in there somewhere, too. And Waldo's been spotted by some especially sharp-eyed folks.
The Tabo isn't just a figure of ancient legend either, with over four international organizations leading the charge to further study this legendary beast in more detail. The foremost of these, T.U.!.R.,.K.!.E.Y.!. (Tabo Uncovered! Really, Kids! Everyone Yell!), holds an annual overnight camp out in hopes to spot the elusive beast. So far, nothing. Nothing except well... this:
Anyway, so there's the truth about the Tabo. Myth? Monster? Why not both? I mean, if a myth and a monster got together, put on some Al Green and, let nature take its course, why not? It's easier to swallow that that Loch Ness garbage (Seriously, a dinosaur?! IN SCOTLAND?! As my main man Gob would say, "Come ON!") or that business with Joan Osborne being Ozzy's daughter.
Either that, or he's one of the three people who regularly read this blog. There's only one way to be sure... "Read the Book!"
So, now, Ryan, Ry, Rrr, R. Methinks mayhaps I have a query to put to you, good sir. Which would you rather be attacked by: a rabid badger with a scimitar tied to its tail, or an irate hobo with hooks for hands? Please state your answer in 500 words or more. Preferably more. Until then, Make Mine Bigfoot.
